I have been on hiatus for almost 2 months. After divulging the ghoulish memory which I held inside and was forbidden by the narcissistic matriarch to tell. One of 1000 waking nightmares I was intimidated into silence, to suppress, to justify in my own mind as “normal behavior” from my parents until the time both had passed away. At last, I broke the silence.
I was able to speak. I was able to share.
A lifetime of feeling as if I were carrying a dark abyss, shut away behind a smile, instead of fond memories, suppressed and controlled in silence.
To be perfectly honest, counselors either do not understand, or, they don't care to go there.
Nobody ever probed. They never wanted to know what was really going on. They didn't want to know me, and I doubt they'd have the ability to empathize anyway. I was trained to keep silent.
Nobody would believe me anyway because who am I? What is my word against the word of a wealthy narcissistic land owner, who regularly attends church with a facade of pleasantry? Hiding their true nature just below the surface. I knew what she was, her crimes, but we live in the Southern United States, where such crimes are normalized if rich white land owners commit the crime. “Honor thy mother” thump bible.
Nobody would believe me anyway because who am I? What is my word against the word of a wealthy narcissistic land owner, who regularly attends church with a facade of pleasantry? Hiding their true nature just below the surface. I knew what she was and her crimes. Living in Southern United States where such crimes are normalized if rich white land owners commit the crime. “Honor thy mother and father” applies 100% of the time as they thump the bible.
Presumably, children are born bad. I'm sure they'll say that's written in the Bible somewhere and that God demands mindless obedience. If a parent tells you to jump from the Empire State Building, then for God's sake, just do it!
It doesn't matter if you're 35 or 75, she is always your mother and could never purposely lead you wrong. Unless she is a narcissistic psychopath.
Like when she was furious I refused to drive to college in pouring whiteout rain, low visibility & dysfunctional windshield wipers. A flash vision of head-on with 18 wheel semi. Her! doted on by church family, pouring crocodile tears after insurance payout at my funeral.
The only time they will ever take reports serious is after they find a body as indisputable evidence but that's too late to do the right thing.
The honest to goodness truth is since the passing of the Matriarch, it took a couple years for it to sink in she can no longer harm me with histrionics, scheming and lies. No more webs to weave, strings to pull, buttons to push from that casket. I'm free from her wicked grasping.
When I first attempted to speak, my blood pressure would spike to around 170 over 115 so I had to drop everything I was doing, lay down, breathe, and refocus to calm. Fear gripped my mind.
As the months passed, speaking TRUTH about the dark secrets concealed for over 54 years in a vacuum became easier to open up and divulge.
Part of the anxiety and high blood pressure comes from early childhood, to report on such events were inconceivable because threats of beatings would be made to enforce complete silence and secrecy. It was understood, not a thing should ever be uttered in public unless it portrayed the Matriarch and Patriarch in a flattering light.
They could speak horribly about their child in public, gaslight to ensure everyone, including yourself looked down upon you, but the right to do so was by no means a reciprocal relationship.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Trained to accept insults and to believe abuse is a normal way of life.
For years it has felt as if a hole ran straight through my soul, explosive, suppressed, often fearing if I confronted those years of my life, with few good memories to hold on to, I would be sucked into the vacuum. Survival meant cutting my losses, feign normalcy, suppress memories of the worst childhood, loveless parents, move on, because I couldn't right all the wrong that had been done by people with Narcissistic psychosis who regard their crimes as an act of “righteousness.”
Disconnected from a true sense of self or individuality, molded in the image my abusers wanted to project upon me. Made to feel as I am nothing. Worthless. Unseen. Devalued. I needed to seek justice. To tell somebody. But I was alone. Five decades I carried the burden of scars in silence.
I attended occasional meetings with psychologists but most of them really don't understand narcissist psychopaths and can't help.
After finding courage to speak truth of the pain & humiliation, taking those first steps to SPEAK, telling whomever will listen about the Matriarch throwing boiling water on my body, that gaping hole in my soul was pricked. That explosive pressure dissipating. The burden in my soul is a little lighter and some mellowing peace has crept in.
The No. 1 Sign You Were Raised by a Narcissist, According to a Psychologist
