It's so difficult talking about the traumatic experiences that gobbled up and consumed 95% of my childhood, everything from child abuse to child predators. During that time, I was completely alone with no support network but surrounded by gaslighting.
Finally, I've found a medium I feel comfortable with, that makes it easier for me to divulge the thoughts I've kept hidden for decades.
Hi. My mother was a psychopath. She died a couple years ago, so now I feel a little safer to finally open up and share my experiences growing up in the shadow of a Narcissist Psychopath. It was difficult and painful. I survived but not without personal, deeply inflicted trauma that I find myself struggling with daily, even in my fifties. I was not allowed to criticize, or even question, the cruelty of physical, mental and spiritual isolation, which enabled her to carry out abusive neglect and manipulative coercion for decades. That includes manipulating those within her network of influence who were useful to condemn any open criticism of what was taking place behind closed doors. Narcissist Psychopaths are skilled in manipulation, a puppet master of sorts. Right is called wrong, wrong is praised as right when it benefits the matriarch who perceives herself as the all important center of everything. To casual acquaintances on the outside of the matriarch's circle, she presented herself as a Godly Christian who could do no wrong. Always presenting a pleasant demeanor and self control. However, in private, some of we, her children who could not blind ourselves to the symptoms of evil... but we dare not call them by their true name.
I ask you this. How is a child supposed to concentrate on something as simple as school work, when they are being taught any day, the Biblical book of Revelations will fulfil? Their church has a policy of never baptising children. Baptised adults alone are guaranteed the divine protection of God during he time of the great tribulation. Baptized adults will be whisked away to a place of safety, leaving behind the unbaptized, sinners and the unworthy to fend for themselves. That was my childhood, a pervasive fear that when I would arrive home from school, my parents, even my siblings, gone. I would be abandoned. Neglect was commonplace, so in the mind of a 7th Grade student, parents must know best. How is a child supposed to know they are being neglected and doing such things to a child is wrong? That's it too. Who is teaching the child the difference between right and wrong?
Where's the moral compass?
What will I eat? How will I clothe myself? Will I know how to survive in the woods?
Such questions plagued my young mind. My mother nor father never gave a second thought to how the cult's doctrines were affecting their children, because it was after all, only about themselves.
Children were to be seen. Never heard. Our little soul and salvation were totally unimportant.
A child's only purpose for existence was strict, unquestioning obedience to their parents. Parents are, after all, symbolic of the God Hierarchy. Our father symbolizes God and our mother, symbolizing Jesus himself who stands at the right hand of God. Nothing more. Nothing less. All that benefits the matriarch is the be-all and end-all purpose for spiritual faith.
